So I was alone. Suddenly I felt alone. My kids were all here, my wife was here, but I was alone. Lately I've felt that I've been sliding on wet ice. I have no traction, I can't stop, I can't react b/c I don't know what's coming next.
Where did this come from you ask. I've never been a great husband or father, I'm an equally bad friend. Don't misunderstand me, I love my wife and kids. I'm just very selfish. Julie has needs, I've never taking the time to learn how to meet them, 16 years we've been together. We've both changed in that time. We've both grown in different areas of our life. She's told me what she needs. Kind words. Every time I say something negative it crushes her, everything I say therefor she believes has a hidden meaning. It doesn't but this allows her to feel safer I think. If she let that guard down I would be bound to say something stupid and hurt her. Why do you do that Nik? I don't know. Words don't bother me, you can say what you want to me. I grew up fighting with words, they don't affect me, but I know how to use them to hurt people. And I do. (Lame excuse) I can't help it. Does she deserve it? Sometimes. Well not the words. I don't know how to say it in a kind manner. I'll start out kind, but I'll get interrupted and I'll just blow up. I need to say what I have to say a quickly as possible, Julie interrupts and the kids are always here. Well saying things quickly and making a point means using very strong and harsh words.
So today started when I WOKE UP AFTER 6 hours sleep and my back hurt so bad I thought I was going to die (from sharing the sofa with Simon). I took and bath and felt better. I came downstairs and gave the baby to Julie. This is when I blew it. I didn't say anything to Julie. I wasn't mad, I wasn't overly excited, I wasn't anything........I went to make breakfast and Isaac was getting to me like nails on a chalk board. He's planning his birthday (has been since yesterday), it isn't till June. So I was breathing deeply, trying not to explode. Julie saw this, she wasn't sure why I was "acting like that." In the last 1.5 weeks I haven't been away from the kids at all. I haven't worked and Julie has, my parents have been here too. I really am in need of a drink or smoke; both of which I quit years ago. Anyway......at some point I said something (God's honest truth I don't know what). I think Julie was on the defencive again and thought I met something that I didn't. She disappeared upstairs and was giving the kids a bath. I came upstairs to try to talk to her about the way I'd been feeling. This is what she said..."I miss my kids, I just want to see them. I letting you off the hook, you're not going to change; you're not going to be there for me. This isn't going to work." Well that did something to me. Last night I lied there looking and Simon and Julie, feeling all alone and empty, sliding on ice, lost. I wanted to share that with Julie. What did I do? I walked out. She wanted time with her kids, I wanted time away from the kids. So I left. I didn't say a word, just left. I figured I'd run a few errands, of course it's New Years Day and all the places I wanted to go are closed. Wonderful.....
I was gone for 2 hours when Julie called me, I told her I was coming back and why I left. She asked if, "I thought that was helpful." No, I guess it wasn't, but I know that if I stayed I'd hurt someone with words. I feel better, amazing what 2 hours alone can do (I think work allows me that escape).
So how do I want to start the 2nd day of the new year. How about happy. How about with a closed mouth and open ears. How about getting to know my wife again. How about getting my wife to fall in love with me again. That would be a good start to day 2.
So, if you'll let me I'd like to take a mulligan for day 1.
Lord, you have blessed my with a woman with unlimited intelligence and almost infinite patience. I've taken advantage of her and you. I need to change who I am, how I treat her and other people. Please show me - give me the ability to inspire her, love her, lift her up, and support her.
Steven Curtis Chapman captured it perfectly:
Well you know it's not the first time
And it will not be the last
When You find me here on my knees
Praying for the storm to pass
But what I am really needing
Is much more than just relief
I am crying out for wisdom
Only You can give to me
Cause it's such a mystery
I'm a clueless man
When it comes
To knowing how to love a woman
How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?
Out of all the gifts You've given
Besides the very gift of life
There is none as precious to me
As the treasure of my wife
And still all the love in my heart
Is like a raindrop to the sea
When compared to Your love for her
And thats why I ask You please
Will You teach me what she needs
I'm a earnest man
When it comes
To learning how to love this woman
How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?
Well I know it's gonna to take a lifetime
To answer this prayer I pray
But that's okay
Cause I've given You and her my lifetime anyway
How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?
Won't you tell me, tell me please
I'm sorry Julie. You really are my best friend. I've come to the end of my rope again, with out telling you I was slipping. Now I expect you to be there, even though so many times I've let you fall. Maybe it's not to late. I love you.
1 comment:
Relationships are always a slippery slope. Things are always changing and we need to make changes within our own lives to counteract those changes. That's why we always need to work on a relationship and not simple go along for a ride cause it will get us in trouble. But take it from someone who knows - don't take the little things for granted - ie. your family - when they are gone you feel like you've lost the world, and you have cause most times they are all the world you may really truely know.
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