Saturday, January 26, 2008

Isaac's very first basketball game

So I just watched Isaac's first game. He's 6 and has NEVER watched or played basketball. In fact no one in our house even likes the game, it's part of Upward through our church - Delaware Christian

He loves it, but has NO idea what's going on around him or where he should be. I think he was discouraged a lot. I'll lift him up and make sure he knows I'm proud and we'll go over some of the finer points. I said I didn't like it, not I didn't understand it.

So I hope he'll play baseball again this year. He was pretty good at that.

I wish he didn't get discouraged so easily. He gives up on everything if he can't figure it out the very first time. He still can't ride a bike.

It's my fault I guess, who else could it be? I'll have to work harder to make him into a strong little, independent man.

Pointers would be good.

O, what a life

I've been holding off blogging for sometime.......

Why you ask?

Because we've been waiting to see if we would get the house/mortgage that we've been trying for sense November. Well guess what, it's a go. We should close by 2/8/08.

So what's the big deal. It feels like we've come in a big circle. 2 years ago this week we walked away from our lives. We left the new house we had built and moved into a little apartment. Julie was pregnant and so sick. Sam was still in preschool, Isaac was 4, Simon was 18mos., Abby was 7 and changing schools again. It was a low point.

5 months later, July '06 we discharged out bankruptcy. It's a long story.

That bring us to today. We're moving into the county. 1.8 acres, barn, 3 car garage, and a 1860 farm house. EVERYONE is excited. The boys can't wait to build a tree fort, Julie can't wait to have a garden, Abby can't wait to have an animal and play in the hey loft.

Our poor kids suffered more than Julie and I. They've had their lives on hold b/c of mom and dad. I want better for them and here it comes.

So how did we get to a point that we could get a house? Thanks to Julie that's how. She started working in Nov. She took a full time position so her kids could have a house, this house. Now b4 you start with the kids should have a mom, blah, blah, blah. We agree. She works nights so her kids don't miss her. Her working doesn't take away from her kids. I'm so lucky to have Julie. My kids are lucky too.

Thank you Jules.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

That was close

About 6 months ago at work they changed the order in which courses are taught. We used to do a transition course after check rides, now it's during training. I never got the memo (if there was one). Well in Nov and Dec I noticed that there was an extra hour during my sim session. I neglected to look at what the extra hour was for, I assumed it was for mock orals. I was wrong. Very wrong. I signed off their training as complete and it wasn't. What I did was falsified records. Very BIG deal. A very big FEDERAL deal. I came with in moments - inches of losing my job today. I wasn't just that one thing. I also was late to work 2 nights in a row about 2 months ago. It was the first week our new center manager was there.

So what did happen. My our DOT and ACM came to bat for me, they saved my job. I'm sure with out their help the new CM would have had no choice but to let me go. Thank you SC and BS. I was put on probation for 1 year and had my promotion taken away (that's a hit), but those are better than unemployment.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

What a way to start the year

The year started with Simon setting on the sofa with me as i watched Scrubs (love that show). Julie had worked all day and was asleep next to me. I tried to wake her, she grunted. I tried again with about :30sec. left in 2007 and she grunted again. So the ball dropped, I gave Simon a high-5 and he looked at me like, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT. Than he drifted off to sleep.

So I was alone. Suddenly I felt alone. My kids were all here, my wife was here, but I was alone. Lately I've felt that I've been sliding on wet ice. I have no traction, I can't stop, I can't react b/c I don't know what's coming next.

Where did this come from you ask. I've never been a great husband or father, I'm an equally bad friend. Don't misunderstand me, I love my wife and kids. I'm just very selfish. Julie has needs, I've never taking the time to learn how to meet them, 16 years we've been together. We've both changed in that time. We've both grown in different areas of our life. She's told me what she needs. Kind words. Every time I say something negative it crushes her, everything I say therefor she believes has a hidden meaning. It doesn't but this allows her to feel safer I think. If she let that guard down I would be bound to say something stupid and hurt her. Why do you do that Nik? I don't know. Words don't bother me, you can say what you want to me. I grew up fighting with words, they don't affect me, but I know how to use them to hurt people. And I do. (Lame excuse) I can't help it. Does she deserve it? Sometimes. Well not the words. I don't know how to say it in a kind manner. I'll start out kind, but I'll get interrupted and I'll just blow up. I need to say what I have to say a quickly as possible, Julie interrupts and the kids are always here. Well saying things quickly and making a point means using very strong and harsh words.

So today started when I WOKE UP AFTER 6 hours sleep and my back hurt so bad I thought I was going to die (from sharing the sofa with Simon). I took and bath and felt better. I came downstairs and gave the baby to Julie. This is when I blew it. I didn't say anything to Julie. I wasn't mad, I wasn't overly excited, I wasn't anything........I went to make breakfast and Isaac was getting to me like nails on a chalk board. He's planning his birthday (has been since yesterday), it isn't till June. So I was breathing deeply, trying not to explode. Julie saw this, she wasn't sure why I was "acting like that." In the last 1.5 weeks I haven't been away from the kids at all. I haven't worked and Julie has, my parents have been here too. I really am in need of a drink or smoke; both of which I quit years ago. Anyway......at some point I said something (God's honest truth I don't know what). I think Julie was on the defencive again and thought I met something that I didn't. She disappeared upstairs and was giving the kids a bath. I came upstairs to try to talk to her about the way I'd been feeling. This is what she said..."I miss my kids, I just want to see them. I letting you off the hook, you're not going to change; you're not going to be there for me. This isn't going to work." Well that did something to me. Last night I lied there looking and Simon and Julie, feeling all alone and empty, sliding on ice, lost. I wanted to share that with Julie. What did I do? I walked out. She wanted time with her kids, I wanted time away from the kids. So I left. I didn't say a word, just left. I figured I'd run a few errands, of course it's New Years Day and all the places I wanted to go are closed. Wonderful.....

I was gone for 2 hours when Julie called me, I told her I was coming back and why I left. She asked if, "I thought that was helpful." No, I guess it wasn't, but I know that if I stayed I'd hurt someone with words. I feel better, amazing what 2 hours alone can do (I think work allows me that escape).

So how do I want to start the 2nd day of the new year. How about happy. How about with a closed mouth and open ears. How about getting to know my wife again. How about getting my wife to fall in love with me again. That would be a good start to day 2.

So, if you'll let me I'd like to take a mulligan for day 1.

Lord, you have blessed my with a woman with unlimited intelligence and almost infinite patience. I've taken advantage of her and you. I need to change who I am, how I treat her and other people. Please show me - give me the ability to inspire her, love her, lift her up, and support her.


Steven Curtis Chapman captured it perfectly:

Well you know it's not the first time
And it will not be the last
When You find me here on my knees
Praying for the storm to pass

But what I am really needing
Is much more than just relief
I am crying out for wisdom
Only You can give to me
Cause it's such a mystery
I'm a clueless man
When it comes
To knowing how to love a woman

How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?

Out of all the gifts You've given
Besides the very gift of life
There is none as precious to me
As the treasure of my wife

And still all the love in my heart
Is like a raindrop to the sea
When compared to Your love for her
And thats why I ask You please
Will You teach me what she needs
I'm a earnest man
When it comes
To learning how to love this woman

How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?

Well I know it's gonna to take a lifetime
To answer this prayer I pray
But that's okay
Cause I've given You and her my lifetime anyway

How do I love her?
How do I let her know she means more than anything to me?
How do I love her?

Won't you tell me, tell me please


Stephen Curtis Chapman links: Lyrics | Biography


I'm sorry Julie. You really are my best friend. I've come to the end of my rope again, with out telling you I was slipping. Now I expect you to be there, even though so many times I've let you fall. Maybe it's not to late. I love you.