Life as a Pilot
Current mood: amused
22 years old: Graduated from college. Go to military flight school.
Become hot shot fighter pilot. Get married.
25 years old: Have 1st kid. Now hotshot fighter jock getting shot at in
war.Just want to get back to USA in one piece. Get back to USA as
primary flight instructor pilot. Get bored. Volunteer for war again.
29 years old: Get back from war all tuckered out. Wants out of military.
30 years old: Join airline. World is your oyster.
31 years old: Buy flashy car, house and lots of toys. Get over the
military poverty feeling.
32 years old: Divorce boring 1st wife. Pay child support and
maintenance. Drink lots of booze and screw around while looking for 2nd wife.
33 years old: Furloughed. Join military reserve unit and fly for
fun. Repeat above for a few more years.
35 years old: Airline recall. More screwing around but looking forward
to a good marriage and settling down.
36 years old: Marry young spunky 25 year old flight attendant.
37 years old: Buy another house. Gave first one to first wife.
38 years old: Give in to second wife to have more kids. Father again.
Wife concerned about "risky" military Reserve flying so you resign
commission.
39 years old: Now a captain. Hooray! Upgrade house, buy boat, small
single engine airplane and even flashier cars.
42 years old: 2nd wife runs off with wealthy investment banker but still
wants to share house (100%).
43 years old: Settle with wife # 2 and resolve to stay away from women
forever. Seek a position as a check Captain for 10% pay override to pay
mounting bills. Move into 1 bedroom apartment with window air
conditioners.
44 years old: Company resizes and you're returned to copilot status. 25%
pay
cut. Become simulator instructor for 10% override pay.
49 years old: Captain again. Move into 2-bedroom luxury apartment with
central air conditioning.
50 years old: Meet sexy Danish model on International trip. She loves
you and says you are very "beeeeg!"
51 years old: Marry sexy Danish model for wife #3. Buy big house, boat,
twin engine airplane and upgrade cars.
52 years old: Sexy model wants kids (not again). Resolve to get
vasectomy.
54 years old: Try to talk wife out of kids, but presto, she's pregnant.
She says she got sick after taking the pill. Accident, sorry, won't happen
again.
55 years old: Father of triplets.
56 years old: Wife #3 wants very big house, bigger boat and very flashy
cars, "worried" about your private flying and wants you to sell twin
engine airplane. You give in. You buy a motorcycle and join motorcycle
club.
57 years old: Make rash investments to try and have enough money for
retirement.
59 years old: Lose money on rash investment and get audited by the IRS.
You have to fly 100% International night trips just to keep up with
child support and alimony to wife #1 and #2.
60 years old: Wife #3 (sexy model) says you're too damned old and no
fun. She leaves. She takes most of your assets. You're forced to retire due
to Age 60 rule. No money left.
61 years old: Now Captain on a non-schedule South American 727 freight
outfit and living in a non-air conditioned studio apartment directly
underneath the final approach to runway 9 at Miami Int'l. You have
"interesting" Hispanic neighbors who ask you if you've ever flown
DC-3's.
65 years old: Lose FAA medical and get job as sim instructor. Don't look
forward to years of getting up at 2 AM for 3 AM sim in every
god-forsaken town you train in due to the fact your carrier can find cheap, off-hours sim time at various Brand X Airlines.
70 years old: Hotel alarm clock set by previous FedEx crewmember goes
off at 1:00 AM. Have heart attack and die with smile on face. Happy at last!
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JULIE'S COMMENT
22 years old: get a job flying banners because you are too freakin good to be an instructor.
23 years old: get fired because you're not all that. try to go into military, you miss by 3 points and 10 lbs.
24 years old: get married to your girlfriend of 5 years (it's about time)
25 years old: give up on aviation altogether because you wear glasses
26 years old: kid number one arrives, you finally agree that you aren't all that, and you start to instruct in 150's and 172's. Take a job flying freight overnight in twin engine aircraft. gone 42 weeks a year, living out of suitcase.
27 years old: baby number 2 arrives. $18,000/yr flying freight won't cut it anymore. Get your fist Corporate job. $34,000/yr paycheck comes with 50 weeks a year of suitcase living. somehow you conceive #3 in the brief time you're home.
28 years old: fired form corporate job because you actually want to know what your wife and kids look like. spend your birthday unemployed with 2 kids and one on the way. after 6 months of unemployment, give up on ever flying again and take job instructing in the sim. $60,000/yr and home every night (why didn't I think of this sooner?)
34 years old: by now there are 5 kids in the house, still married to the same woman (God bless her). still instructing in the same sim. got some nice pay raises. happy not to be an airline pilot.
40 years old: finally settled in dream house, with small single engine, not so flashy cars, got a big van for the 6 kids of my own and the constant stream of foster kids. still sim instructor, bigger airplane.
60 years old: retire from full time sim instructing, enjoying the grandkids, still got the same old wife. fly my WW2 planes on the airshow circut. still instruct part time, don't want to eat into the millions i have put away for retirement.
65 years old: travel the world with my wife, feel bad for the airline pilots
someday: die a happy man
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